In love?

I really think I am in love with someone who doesn’t love me. At least not in that way. I signed up to be his friend. His confidante when he needed it and his rock when he fell. I never thought of loving him the way that I do. I am so sad that I can’t tell him. I don’t want to lose the friendship but my heart aches feeling this way. I just don’t know what to do.

I have always wanted to be a writer

Well, here it goes.  I am not sure how this will turn our or where it will take me.  This is a journey I feel that I need to take and now is the right time for me to do so.  This blog will just be random thoughts and feelings that I need to get out.  Whether no one reads it or thousands read it, I am ok with it.  I am not writing this for anyone but me although if I can help even one person feel that they are not alone I am totally happy!!

A little about me.  I am a 41 single woman. I have chosen to live my life with love, kindness and compassion, (when at times those were not shown to me).  This doesn’t mean that I don’t have my bitch moments but I can guarantee that my underlying theme is always love.

In the tragic passing of Robin Williams and some of the stupid comments that came along with it regarding suicide, I felt the need to post the following on Facebook.  It was received by some in agreement and some who disagreed loudly.  Either way, all are entitled to their opinion:

It sickens me when people say “I don’t feel bad for anyone who kills themselves”.    These ignorant people are probably lucky enough to never know the depths of despair that someone can travel to. They probably never know what it’s like to be paralyzed by the sadness, loneliness and helplessness that depressed people feel. 

The statement “you make the choice to be happy” on some level is true but if there is something bigger going on than sometimes as much as you want to be happy, you can’t.  I am sure that every person struggling and living with depression would love to “make the choice” to be happy but there is more going on in the brain that blocks that happiness.  For some, it’s not about choice, it’s about chemistry and it’s not always on our side.

There are demons that people fight every day of their lives so for someone to make a flippant statement about not feeling bad for someone who couldn’t find the strength to see their way out of it is uneducated and ignorant.  If people need to “make a choice”, that choice should be to treat others with kindness and compassion and not pass judgment on things we may know nothing about.

Let me educate you on my life, I was bullied by some horrible people, (with whom I chose to ban from my adult life), I was beat up, made fun of and harassed for most of my school life.  I lost a parent at 13 and was raped at 18.  I have lived through those depths of despair that some don’t make it out of.  There are times that these demons still catch up with me but fortunately I was one of the lucky ones.  I was able to find the strength to pull myself out of it and continue to pull myself out of it when I need to.  I don’t hide my life or what happened to me as I am not embarrassed by it.  It is part of what makes me who I am, and I am proud of whom I have become.  I put my shit out there, not because I am looking for sympathy or anything like that.  I have made peace with my life.  I am doing it in the hopes that it can help someone else. 

So please, don’t judge people by what you think life should be or by comparing to your own.  You will never know what people go through until you walk a mile in their shoes.  And until you do, keep your negativity to yourself.

If you read this, thanks for stopping by.  Welcome to my life!!

My Boy